Buy This Issue
The Weekend Neos Kosmos : 24 December 2016
DIGITAL.NEOSKOSMOS.COM THE WEEKEND NEOS KOSMOS | SATURDAY 24 DECEMBER 2016 23 KAZAMIAΣ 2017 fers the Ministry of Culture to Nick Giannopoulos, courts Nick Kyrgios to become Ambassador of Sportsmanship, and gives carte blanche to Con Makris to become a developer in Athens with an offer he can't refuse: high taxes, bureaucracy at its finest, and his own Ministers trying to sabotage any investment. June A survey in Oh Boy magazine suggests that 87 per cent of women over the age of 30 view 'an organic food-eating, bearded, catloving headcase with a history of domestic violence, preferably a member of a rock band that's going nowhere, with a love of tattoos, brunch, malt whiskey, thrift shops,and gentrification' as the ideal boyfriend. July Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro breaks his leg in a jetski crash after one margarita too many on Margarita Island. The entire Greek government flies over to Caracas in a show of solidarity, while Trump and Putin blame each other for the incident in their monthly golf tournament. British PM Theresa May is once again denied entry to 10 Downing Street, because still nobody recognises her. She is reduced to tears and subsequently quits. She tries to land a role as an extra in the final season of Game Of Thrones, but the producers' response is "you are no Conor McGregor". August Pokemon Go afficionados hold a minute of silence in every park around the world in remembrance of the tragic events that followed the game's sudden drop in popularity after the heyday of July 2016. To mark the occasion, Niantic launches Stalkemon Deluxe, a location-based augmented reality game for all devices, in which you can track down old flames. September Airbnb has taken over the world. It's not just a homestay network anymore. Through its platform you can now sub-rent your spouse, your dog, your company, even that little black dress that you haven't worn since that New Year's Eve party in 2005. Angry civilians host protests everywhere, while Nigel Farage, leader of the 'We Want Our Stuff Back' movement rallies the troops in a TV interview via satellite saying that "'I'd love to join with all you fine people, but I'll be having Wagyu beef with my billionaire friends in The Hamptons". October The Nobel Peace Prize is awarded to Justin Bieber for his valiant effort thwarting a sea of young Believers from storming his hotel room during a recent visit to Singapore. He pulls a Bob Dylan and misses the ceremony, because Oslo is close to Stockholm and he's scared of getting Stockholm Syndrome-d. He sends Selena Gomez instead, who botches the lyrics to Baby and goes on a five-year hiatus. November For the entire month, downtown Athens is under road closure due to an unprecedented amount of marathons. Events include 'Marathon for blind children under five years of age', 'Marathon for brunettes in long-term relationships awaiting the proposal' and 'Marathon for middle-aged men who wear awful wigs'. Mayor Kaminis brands the effort a success and proposes its extension over 365 days. December Cyber-terrorist group 'The Artists Formerly Known As Anonymous' releases every Facebook PM by every user ever. After weeks of riots in the streets, destroyed wedding rings, trashed office desks, a record number of arson attempts, and myriads of flatmates gone missing, countries are forced to declare martial law until further evaluation. All Christmas and New Year festivities are cancelled.
17 December 2016
7 January 2017